What a month of “No’s” has taught me.

Following on from last months post I thought I would update on how our No-vember actually went and some nuggets of wisdom that I will take forward with me into the festive season and beyond.

As a quick recap, after a very stressful September and October my husband Dave suggested that we make November a month of no’s! The rules were simple, simple say no to anything that impacted a boundary, that compromised our finances or didn’t bring us joy. We had one obligation that we couldn’t side step which was a funeral but we made sure that we got out of that day what we needed and didn’t commit to anything that didn’t feel comfortable to us.

In terms of saying no, there were loads of micro ones. No to the kids constantly want sweets, no to the teen’s requests of this and that on Vinted. No to sleepovers that fit into to our schedule, not to extra late nights and even no to alcohol in the week. It was surprising how some of these felt hard and what I learned from the little no’s was that I tend to say in the moment because I either think it’s the easy option or I’m not actually thinking at all - the kids often like to bombard me with their want’s and needs when I’m distracted and so I don’t always think it through properly.

So on to some big no’s.

Well, the first came early in the month and I had agreed to an arrangement involving one of the kids but it later unfolded that I didn’t have all the facts. This arrangement then became an inconvenience and to be honest a bit of a worry but I had already said yes. There was an added complication of our child not being with us and having to then get them home late at night. I knew changing my mind would cause upset and judgement but saying no really felt like the right thing to do so I did. Then once that happened I actually felt a huge weight lift and realised that it’s absolutely ok to say yes and then later say no. This is something I wouldn’t normally do in fear of upsetting someone or appearing fussy but following my gut felt good and I will now aspire to keep this going.

The other big no happened half way through the month, again it was around arrangements this time including me which I hadn’t been involved in making. This situation was a bit more sensitive though but I instantly knew that if I said yes that not only was it inconveniencing me, but that I also wouldn’t actually enjoy the day and have to pay out a ton of money just before Christmas. So it was a hard no right off the bat and I knew straight away it was the right thing, I actually felt happy and proud of myself. The no was also accepted graciously and taught me not to over think too much how other people react to being let down, the right people will always understand.

Dave and I have also said no to each other, it’s mostly been around spending money but because we had made our pact for the month when the other person was cautious about what or how much we would pay the no was met with respect and understanding. What we both learnt with this one was to be more open and honest about what decisions we were making and why, and on the flip side to listen each others thoughts and be more objective about our own feelings. We both can make financial decisions on an emotional level sometimes and having a month of no made sure we only bought or paid for stuff if it was necessary, and that felt really good.

Our No-vember has been a success! So much so that we’re carrying it into December because Christmas can be such a time of obligation, I was talking to a friend last week and he said he dread the festive season because of the extreme expectations from kids, friends and family. I know many people carry this feeling, I have too but this year I have taken back control. I’ve already said no to a few things including plans with family, extra shifts at work and super expensive present requests. However I’ve also said yes to lots of other things, but only things that bring me utter Christmas joy so I now have a month of things to look forward to and nothing that I dread.

So try it, even if it feels scary. Challenge yourself to say no to micro things or promise yourself you will say no to 2 big things that don’t feel good this year, or even for every yes you say make sure you say no to something else.

---

Links that love you back:

My friend Emma Benyon’s Rest and Refuel online self care circle is on sale right now for £5. Her next session in December 5th and it feels like the perfect way for any frazzled mum or carer to get ready for the month ahead. You know what they say — you can’t pour from an empty cup — so snap this up and give yourself a little gift before Christmas arrives.

This Substack post from Jodie Melissa Rogers on a more mindful and restful festive period pairs nicely with my month of saying no. For anyone who is dreading this season or wants to approach things differently this a really inspiring read.

Speaking of mindfulness and Christmas this guide to giving mindfully from Mindfulness.com gives advice and ideas on gifting in a more thoughtful way, reducing the need for us all to spend too much on presents that aren’t really needed or in some cases wanted as well.

There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who do not. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.
― José N. Harris

Wishing you all a very merry, peaceful and do it the way you want to festive season!

Until next month…

Karen xoxoxo